PT 5 Dallas Airport

Remember when I had you picture me raising my eyebrow at the comment that the SP in Phoenix was paying close attention to everything that was in the bags? What I said exactly was:

As each bag is scanned by the machine SP#1 watches the monitor closely (You need to imagine seeing my right eyebrow go up as if to say, "Yeah right". I will explain more about that later).

It is four o'clock in the morning, in Dallas and we are going through security. We did not have to check any bags because we already checked them all in Phoenix. We have again, taken off our shoes, loaded the car seat, loaded the stroller, you get the picture. This time, however, we DECLARE the gun ahead of time. The SP (who does not yell or treat us like imbeciles,) tells us that is fine, just set the gun aside, now I know what that means, so I put it in its own tray. We move along without event. We all get through the x-ray machine, put the gun back into the bag from whence it came and another SP takes the bag and moves to a different table. I know this is hard to imagine, but there was no yelling to close down the line, no yelling to turn over the car seat, there was a request that I take the car seat apart, but they actually believed me when I told them it didn't come apart! I did not know why it was taken to another table until the SP started going through it. He took out a large tube of toothpaste, I said, "throw it away", the a tube of nasty gelatinous candy, I said, "throw it away", a small bottle of mouthwash that my husband had in this bag for probably five years, and I said, you guessed it, "throw it away". After all of my stuff has found a new home in the trash can the SP informs me that the gun has to be checked and can not be carried on. Hmmmmm. Does that mean that none of my stuff actually had to be thrown away? It could have all been checked with the gun. Oh well!

Do you know what that means? That means that we consolidate our carry on stuff, someone, I mean I take it to the counter, check it, answer all of the questions- no there are not explosives in this bag, and then that's right, go through security again. Take off the shoes, empty the pockets, get x-rayed, get puffed, fill my pockets, put on the shoes, and find my family who is waiting at a little cafe eating breakfast. We ate our breakfast, drank our coffee, waited patiently for the plane, boarded, rested, disembarked in Tampa, claimed our luggage, got a gigantic cart for all of our stuff, stepped out into the sauna that we call Florida, found our truck, loaded it up and headed for home. It took two hours to get home and ten minutes to discover that one our our bags was left at the Tampa Airport. It is funny today. Want to go with us on our next vacation?

This was still nothing compared to the vacation we have dubbed "The Vacation from Hell". If I run out of things to say, or if I have requests I will share that some time.

Pt 4 That Dangerous Rice Milk

I have to take a moment here and explain that I am a rule follower. I don't like to make waves and I believe that given an opportunity, I can explain what is happening and everyone will get a good chuckle and we can move on. I know that if I insist on trying now to explain to the SP I will only be slowing things down. I know that as soon as the police office arrives I will be given the time to explain. So, I wait patiently while all of the other passengers glare at my huge family and think, "Hey lady, don't you know what causes six children?"

Now I wait, with all eyes staring at me while one of the SPs walks down the corridor- note, not SP#2 who is still sitting on her behind- and tells my husband something. Then one of the children yells to me, "It's the cap gun" Oh my goodness! I can not believe this. The cap gun did it. Someone did not pack the cap gun in the check in luggage. AHHHHHHH!!!!! So here comes Officer Airport who looks at the machine (our bag is still in the x-ray machine)and then at me and says, "What is in this bag that might have me concerned?" Now, I am not feeling scared or intimidated here, but I did feel as though Officer Airport thought she was talking to a second grader and it was a bit annoying. So I say, "It must be my son's cap gun." With a sigh of relief she says, "Yes it is." I fully understand, and appreciate, the concern for airport security, but some things are a little silly. Not one person who has committed an act of domestic terrorism on our country brought their children along for the fun. What upset me was not -the police being called in, the stopping of the line, the seriousness of the situation. In all seriousness, it is quite possible that we could have looked away from our bags for a moment while someone did slip a gun into our bag, hoping that the SP would not worry precisely because we are obviously not terrorists and then reclaimed the gun while on the plane. No, what had me so upset was the way my family was spoken to and treated, as though speaking to us in any fashion other than rude might result in the attitude that guns on planes are not dangerous.

Officer Airport took the bag to another table so that the line could be reopened and searched it. Removed the gun, examined it, determined it to be a child's toy cap gun and pardoned the gun from a sentence of a lifetime in a landfill. No, she allowed us to bring the child's toy cap gun onto the plane and gave a stern and grave warning. "This toy gun must remain in the bag at all times. If it is removed and seen by other passengers panic can ensue. AND if there happened to be an air marshal on board, real guns could be drawn!"

"No problem!" I declare. However, my husband was not satisfied. He needed to explain, he needed Officer Airport to truly understand, that we are not careless parents. No, we are not the kind of people who think that bringing a gun, even a toy gun, on board a plane is just a big joke. So, every time Officer Airport takes a breath during her diatribe, he squeezes a few words in. And every time he speaks, she stops speaking and then starts ALL OVER AGAIN when he is done. I finally elbow him and tell him to be quiet so that we can leave.

Finally, the nightmare ends. We are on the plane. We can see the sun setting on our vacation. We know that home is approaching. Ahhhhh, the peace, the tranquility. Then I remember. We have to do this again tomorrow morning at the Dallas Airport!!!!!!!

Pt 3 Arizona or maybe Rice Milk Will Not Crash a Plane part 3

It is off to phase two of the security. Child #6 could not drink cows milk. She could only drink rice milk. Now we got all eight of our tickets for free with our frequent flyer miles and the only catch was that we would have to spend the night in Dallas on our way home. We would arrive in Dallas at 10:00 pm and leave the next morning at 5:00 AM. That would leave no time to go to a store. So our carry on bags had to have anything that we would need for over night, including rice milk for the baby. Now, I knew from going to the airport and airline security websites that we might be allowed to get her milk on the plane. It is at the discretion of the security personnel.

We are standing in line with about 50 other people. We take off our shoes and put them on the conveyor, take the baby out of her stroller, put her humongous car seat on, unpack our video camera, empty our pockets, and tell the security people about the milk. It is important here to get a full understanding of the events and spirit of the situation. About 50 people who DO NOT WANT to be in line behind us who are all talking, a recording over the loud speaker continually reminding us of the 3-1-1 rule (3 ounce bottle or less (by volume) ; 1 quart-sized, clear, plastic, zip-top bag; 1 bag per passenger placed in screening bin. One-quart bag per person limits the total liquid volume each traveler can bring. 3 oz. container size is a security measure.)a man who keeps shouting that if we need one quart zip-top bags he has some and where the garbage cans are for containers that are larger than 3 ounces, security people talking- well they were mostly yelling, machines beeping, "puff machine" puffing (that is a machine that sends a puff of air at you and then "smells" the air looking for the scent of explosives).

I declare the milk first, before we do anything else and the security person (SP from here on out) tells me to "leave it out". I am not really sure what that means so I held it in my hands. Well, then SP #1 yelled at me to put it in its own bin. I guess that is what is meant by "leave it out". I can see that the car seat is not going to go into this machine, and the SP can tell too. He tells me to take it apart and I assure him that it does not come apart. Well, eager to show me just how much of an idiot I must be, he begins tugging on different parts of the seat until he relents. Maybe the person who owns and operates the car seat, does actually know something about it. One of them, SP#2, whom I might mention, sat in a seat across the corridor the entire time and not once did I see her get up, yelled at me to turn the seat over. So I turned it over. I guess I did not turn it over the right way, so she yelled some more for me to turn it over. This went on and on until I figured out what the rude SP meant. I am still baffled at why she could not simply get up and turn the seat herself. So finally the car seat will go forward.

Each member of the family has gone through the metal detector without an ounce of fan fair. Life is looking GOOD! I am the last member of the family. I give each child his or her shoes and bag and send them to the end of the corridor with Dad to reduce the confusion. As each bag is scanned by the machine SP#1 watches the monitor closely (You need to imagine seeing my right eyebrow go up as if to say, "Yeah right". I will explain more about that later) and he elbows the SP#3 next to him and says, "look at this". The SP#3 says, "Close it down and call the police". WHAT??!?!! It is rice milk for crying out loud. I keep thinking if they will just ask me about it I can explain to them my babies dietary needs, but no, you have to really stress the "no" when you say that in your head- but noooooo, no one asks me about it. They just close the line and scream "CLOSE THE LINE, CLOSE THE LINE, CLOSE THE LINE. GO TO THE OTHER LINE!!!!!" Oh, for crying out loud- you think the other 50 people were a little annoyed before one of the two lines were closed, imagine how thrilled they were now.